Pressure and JM

Posted from Fet with permission of author, Jan 28: 

This is a hard post to write but it needs to be done. I was a romantic partner and collared submissive of JM's for nine years before leaving. The details of my exit are in a previous post. This is going to focus on the overlap with his other relationships, not the troubling issues affecting me separately.

There've been far too many posts acknowledging inappropriate comments JM made, including offering people's sexual services to complete strangers, sexual harassment of his own, etc. I was 19 when we met and had never been in a D/s or polyamorous relationship. I was curious about kink and in light of other comments about his interactions with young and inexperienced people his interest in me looks far worse in retrospect. It was easy to believe I was mature for my age or a special exception at the time, to take him at his word and believe what he said about his "interest in my submission." He was one of the first and only people to offer affirmation about my gender, however clumsily, at the time. I gave him the benefit of the doubt.

Because of my inexperience JM frequently encouraged me to date more people, saying he wanted me to have all my needs met and that he couldn't be the only one to do that. He dated other people as well besides his husband. That relationship predated me by two years. His other partners tended to be young and afab, usually between 18 or 19 and 22 years old, with few exceptions even as he aged. The style of polyamory we practiced wasn't don't ask don't tell. It was common for all parties to become at least somewhat acquainted.

JM enjoyed threesomes and co-topping with his partners and this often would start with him suggesting it as a possibility and gauging if we responded with any affirmation. If the response wasn't an outright no he would continue to suggest it and encourage us to go ahead. There was typically a power dynamic in his relationships and in hindsight suggesting a threesome when the three of us were already cuddling and talking on his bunk bed was poor timing and put his partners on the spot. I was not as eager as he was but willing and wanting to please. He would tell me his new partner was interested in me and I took that on blind faith. Seeing a recent post about similar good faith assumptions made me question the trust I had in him at that time.

Seeing how many people JM lied to or manipulated leads me to take a hard look back on all this. He was the one to establish rules about what he would and wouldn't do with other people aside from me and his husband. As it happened he was also the one to keep revising and pushing his own established rules. He would mention a name and say he was looking for casual play partners and then some time would pass and it would change to them being one steady play partner and then some more time would pass and he'd say they were dating now and so forth, at no point acknowledging the huge difference from his own starting point. He probably described us the same way to his husband the more serious he and I became. JM independently decided on and imposed his own rule about not having piv sex with other partners besides his husband and I on himself. This was not something I asked for or was imposed on my other relationships. He would push me towards strangers and encourage us to flirt, again, saying it was for my own good. Early on I asked him to stop physically pushing me toward people and saying to them in a singsong, "boy for saaaaale."

For several of his relationships he was the go-between for most communication between me and his other partners. I have no way of knowing if what I said got distorted or changed or what he told them. In one instance of at best awful communication and at worst outright manipulation he wanted to check in about his having sex with a new partner. He approached me about a partner with whom he'd steadily shifted his dynamics and boundaries from what he said they would be initially and said it was not a big deal whatsoever and didn't much matter and was okay if I said no, but would it be okay by me if he changed his rules and also had piv sex with her? I replied that since it was not a big deal that I would prefer he didn't, that I was vehemently uncomfortable at the time with how much he'd changed the boundaries of that relationship from what he said it would be, and asked that they go slower. I don't know how that was presented to that partner, whether he blamed me or said I was being unreasonable or unfair or selfish. I have no way of knowing.

Looking back on these interactions with his partners I need to openly address the worst case scenario. If anyone felt pressured to play or participate please know that I am ready and willing to talk with you and see what amends you need or want. To the individuals who have come forward, I believe you. To the former metamours, I believe you. Please don't hesitate to comment here and contact me.