It has taken me a while to feel okay with writing this. I feel that my experiences, in the grand scheme of things, are minimal. Compared to everything I have been reading since many allegations about major players have been coming out, my few bad experiences do not hold a candle to some of the horrific things these people have been doing. They have, nonetheless, affected my growth as a member of the kink community greatly. And now that there are so many things coming out because the discourse has started, I think it’s important to share what has happened to me.
My very first kink event was Bound in Boston. I was brand new in the scene, and the week before the event, one of my old highschool friends passed away. The weekend of the event was when my friend’s funeral was scheduled for. I went anyway, because I had bought the tickets already, and I wanted to do something that was positive for me during this challenging time (my grandmother passed away a week before him).
A few days before the event, I was approached on fetlife by PO, under the guise of mentorship and maybe some light non-sexual play, rope and impact. I looked into this person, and found that they were a presenter and had been in the community for a long time, so he quickly gained my trust. I met him at the event, hung out with him and his friend, and negotiated the scene we would do the next day. I went home and the next morning went to my friend’s funeral, and then went directly to the con after. I met back up with PO and expressed my feelings of grief to him, which he seemed comforting to me about at the time. I spent the rest of the day with him and we had conversations about kink, negotiations, and consent. He spoke to me like a mentor. At a point in our conversation, it seemed to turn from mentorship to more flirting, and he used a hypothetical negotiation conversation to get me to agree to get in bed with him. We did our suspension scene that night, which went well, and then after, while I was still floaty, he had me come back to his room with him and he had me suck his dick.
It took me a long time to recognize it, but upon lots of hard reflection, I have come to realize that this whole situation was set up through cohersion and bordered on rape.
A few days before the event, I was approached on fetlife by PO, under the guise of mentorship and maybe some light non-sexual play, rope and impact. I looked into this person, and found that they were a presenter and had been in the community for a long time, so he quickly gained my trust. I met him at the event, hung out with him and his friend, and negotiated the scene we would do the next day. I went home and the next morning went to my friend’s funeral, and then went directly to the con after. I met back up with PO and expressed my feelings of grief to him, which he seemed comforting to me about at the time. I spent the rest of the day with him and we had conversations about kink, negotiations, and consent. He spoke to me like a mentor. At a point in our conversation, it seemed to turn from mentorship to more flirting, and he used a hypothetical negotiation conversation to get me to agree to get in bed with him. We did our suspension scene that night, which went well, and then after, while I was still floaty, he had me come back to his room with him and he had me suck his dick.
It took me a long time to recognize it, but upon lots of hard reflection, I have come to realize that this whole situation was set up through cohersion and bordered on rape.
My second event was GKE, and much like the predatory nature of PO from the last event, JM, also messaged me ahead of time and came to me as a mentor. By this time I still hadn’t realized what I know now about my experience with PO, and so I didn’t know what red flags to look for. Looking back, I realize I was in a situation where another person presenting themself as a mentor quickly used my status as a newbie and my lack of knowledge to mould me into a play partner for them. He spoke to me for days before the event, making me feel special, but when it came time for the event, he didn’t have the time for me, and he convinced me to rush into scenes with him that we did not fully negotiate. On top of all this, he left cuts on my body where I told him I did not want him to use a knife on me. The next day I woke up and immediately felt sick, my stomach turned, I thought I was traumatized. When I spoke to him about it, he seemed supportive but he still didn’t really have the time to provide me with proper aftercare. In the months following, I realized that he didn’t care about me at all, and anything that seemed like support and caring for me was just damage control he was doing to protect his image. I tried to approach him to talk about it when I realized this, and he blew me off.
Both of these experiences, while traumatic because of these people’s predatory nature, have set me back on my journey into kink. I have had to do a lot of work to fix the damage done by these people, and have since met some very good and genuinely caring folks who have shown me how to be a responsible member of our community.
I want to put this up because I want to share my story with other new folks, and to warn them about red flags that might not be easy to see. Just because someone has status, does not automatically mean that they are a safe person.
I want to put this up because I want to share my story with other new folks, and to warn them about red flags that might not be easy to see. Just because someone has status, does not automatically mean that they are a safe person.
I am glad that I was able to learn these things, and that I decided to stick with the kink community even after feeling so horribly violated by these formative experiences. There are good people out here, and for them, it’s worth it.
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