Posted with permission of author, via PM, Jan 26 2018
I've been silently following conversations about sexual predators in two communities I once actively participated in: the contra dance community and Jeff Mach's events. I related a personal experience of abuse in a thread regarding Jeff Mach's behavior. I'm not sure what urged me to; maybe everyone else gave me strength.
Well, it's my turn to speak out.
When I was 16, I had no experience with bdsm or sex and was beginning my first long term relationship. I certainly did have access to the internet, and with my raging hormones, I found a lot of kink quite arousing.
I knew of Jeff and his events. He had the respect of a community, he had charisma, and had experience with bdsm. I approached him and he agreed to meet me and teach me. My bf and I had dabbled but neither of us had done much of anything.
An adult was going to be alone with with an underaged kid and teach her bdsm for the first time.
What happened was kinky. It was sexual. I was highly turned on. I entered a submissive alterned state of consciousness. Psychologically, he put my mind into places it had never been. It was deep and dark and he pushed my limits. The lines of consent are blurry in this dark realm. I don't want to give details but I ended up in tears.
(Playing in this dark realm can be exhilarating. I am all for it between consensual adults. But this is my first time entering this realm, and I was very vulnerable.)
I shrugged off the incident. After all, I felt proud of myself as a submissive to obey his instructions. And he was a great teacher. He was not at fault.
I would still recall the incident in passing. It was certainly not something I would forget. But, I didn't really think about it and analyze it from an adult perspective. Until now.
And it is utterly fucked up.
An adult man was engaging in very deep psychological and sexual behavior with an underage girl who had never done it before. IT IS WRONG.
Because of that and other experiences I've had, I'm extremely sensitive to my young looking appearance. If someone even mentions school girl skirts or acting underage, I get extremely disgusted and defensive. I am extremely untrusting.
As for relationships between adults and underage teenagers, they are wrong. I was conflicted on this point, because I was in a relationship with a man who was 24 when I was a teenager. The relationship was one of the healthiest in my life. I learned a lot, and I don't regret it. Does that make it right? Absolutely not.
My friend Eric gave this analogy: An adult should never hand their keys to their 12 year old child. Are things guaranteed to go badly? No. There's a chance that the child is a quick learner and will not get hurt and will learn a lot about driving. But it could go wrong. And you still shouldn't give those keys to your kid, who doesn't have the same mental capacity as an adult.
As a side note, since we're coming out about things: There are two instances where my boundaries where clearly violated. The people who crossed my boundaries were both women. So, it's not just men assaulting women. All genders do it.
With all that said:
Please don't ask me questions about my experience. I don't want to talk about it.
Please do take courage from other peoples' stories to share your own.
Please do prevent predators from praying on underage kids.
Please do take measures to keep your community safe.