JM: when I violate consent again

When I violate consent again

Journal Entry | 33 Comments · 211 Love It | about 1 year ago

...and yes, I said again, and no, I'm not proud of it - absolutely the opposite. But like many people who've been in the scene a long time, I have fucked up in my past. At least once, I fucked up in a way which could have been irredeemable, and was not only because the person I violated chose to work through it with me, and it was long, and it was hard, and it fucked with them and it fucked with me.

And I will probably fuck up again; I will do everything in my power not to fuck up that badly again, but everyone fucks up at least somewhat. As we often say, it's not our goal to destroy everyone who fucks up; it's our goal to reduce predation, bring fuckups to light, and address violations.

When I get an actionable complaint--

What's that? Yes, I said "actionable complaint". Wait, is Mr. We Believe Accusers suddenly backpedaling?No. Not every complaint we get is actionable, for a wide variety of reasons.

When I get an actionable complaint, I will

Fucking apologize. Even if I truly believe I am "completely innocent", I will apologize to the person who stepped forward and said I hurt them.

Yes, even if it's someone I hate or have bad blood with or who has political reasons to dislike me, or someone I've banned.

Be public unless my accuser doesn't wish me to be public.

Be judged by people in my company other than myself, and take the action they recommend.

Will I get a fair trial, same as anybody else? Fuck no. How would that even be possible? How does anyrelatively well-known scene person, someone who's been around for two or more decades, someone with a reputation and lots of scene privilege and lots of friends, get a fair trial, much less from their own company, and people they've worked with in the consent community? Some people would be harder on me than on other people, and that's understandable. Some might be easier on me, and that's part of the process.

Honestly, nobody knows exactly what will happen, but guess what? Every accusation, every one, is an individual case, with different situations, information, people, and evidence. You can plan for them - and we do! - but you can't predict it all in advance. There's too much going on. If you're someone we've banned with a lot of evidence, for example, you will have a more challenging case. That's just natural.

But I can fucking tell you what I will not do:

I will not go around screaming that I didn't do it.

I will not go around blaming the goddamn victim.

I will not, will not run around social media, especiallyfandoms that I'm in, trying to turn people against my accuser.

For fuck's sake, and you know who you are, stop it.

I believe you when you say you're scared.

I know you're incredibly upset.

I don't know why you're doing this. I don't know if it's because you're intentionally attacking to silence the other person, or if you're just scared.

Stop.

It's wrong. You don't need to do this.

To people who are accused in the future:

Going on attack is really effective.
It terrifies people who might step forward.
It silences a lot of people.

You don't need to do it.

Don't.

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It looks like this is a part in a series on the theme that "Consent violations happen" - the next installment is The terrible thing that happened this weekend, and no, nobody got punished for it.

Next up after that series: I'm going to take some stabs at possible redemption and rehabilitation.