This isn't going to be very long or put together. My hands are shaking as I'm writing this.
For the end of 2015 and most of 2016 I was in a power exchange relationship with, and assistant to, JM and his events. I was hardly monetarily comped for assisting; rather it was built into our power exchange dynamic. At one point, he demanded that I spend 3-4 hours every day contributing to his social media presence with graphic design content for his events. I also followed him at several of his events, being available to assist him with whatever was needed.
I am terrified to write about my experiences with JM because I don't think anyone will believe me, or if they do, they will shrug it off and say, "Well, that's just how he is." Like people have been saying for a year now. There is no "just" about how he has treated me and so many others. After being in the scene for 6 years in 3 different states, I can solidly say that no one terrifies me more in the scene than JM.
I moved to NY for a job opportunity in early 2016 and had a hard time making friends and connecting in that community, so it was a very isolating relationship situation. The following is a list of some things that contributed to the abuse of the relationship:
1. He hinted at offering me as a sexual exchange for other people's unpaid work, though it seemed to be in a joking manner. Sometimes I could not tell.
2. Early on, I was uncomfortable with having sex with him. He coerced me often into having sex with him.
3. Towards the end of our relationship, he became an alcoholic. So much so that he once passed out in a restaurant at noon. There was a witness to this and we were both heavily triggered by it. He then blamed his alcoholism on the stress of our relationship.
4. He admitted to me personally that he is a sociopath. His therapist confirmed this to him as well. He said he did not know how to empathize with other people.
5. He hypnotized me every night for a year to fall asleep. He should never have hypnotized me long term with a vital bodily function. When we realized it was a bad idea, he stopped doing it, which lead to the next point.
6. I had an intense chronic insomnia episode, where I was not sleeping most days over the course of two months. He has a phobia of not sleeping and many meds to control this phobia. He pushed his meds on me to assuage his own fear. I was uncomfortable with taking them and he used our power exchange dynamic to convince me I "had to" as his submissive. I was also so sleep deprived that I had a hard time resisting anything he did to me. He had me take the following several times: Ambien, Xanax, Seroquel, Mirtazapine, Klonopin, and more but I don't remember. A few times, he gave me more than the recommended dose for Seroquel. This is the only time in my life I have had suicidal ideations, and I think it was due to these medicines he was giving me. Through this, he almost killed me.
7. He forced me to do a lot I didn't want to do, using our relationship and my role in our relationship as the reason.
8. There is a pattern of him dating girls half as young as him. He also explained the concept of "moral pedophilia" to me. I don't think these two things are a coincidence. There are other things that lead me to believe that which I feel uncomfortable discussing.
There is more about the relationship but I will stop here.
I want other victims to know that they aren't alone in his abuse. I want everyone to know that he is a dangerous predator. I want his career to end because I don't think he should be in charge of events. I want to stop having panic attacks whenever I think of him. I want to be able to have a power exchange relationship without thinking the Top is using me and is going to gaslight and abuse me. I want to be able to go to large events without fearing he will be there. I want people to stop shrugging off his abusive patterns. I want to stop hurting.
